Chop Chop Competition...

"Congratulations sir, that match was fantastic, I must say. Our boys were just too good tonight..."

"Good? What does that mean? My boys were just marvellously golden; sublime footballers. You may say they were asleep in the first half, but, you saw what happened in the second half. That is what I call champagne football. Even the Samba boys from Brazil cannot do better than that."

"They played against ten young German boys in the second half sir. Don't you think the red card given to one of the German players favoured our boys?"

"That is none of my business, understand? A footballer misbehaved and got sent out of the game, what has that got to do with my golden boys winning the match? As a matter of fact I think that German player should be banned from competitive football for the next couple of years. And wait a minute, you referred to the Germans as young, what exactly do you mean by that?"

"Well, they look very young sir."

"And my boys, how do they look?"

"Well... maybe we should leave that for FIFA to decide sir. I hear there will be another round of the Magnetic Resonance Imaging test (MRI) for the players and of course..."

"Magnetic nonsense! We will go to court, obtain an injunction and stop the rubbish of a test. MRI my foot. That test will not take place in this country anymore, I can assure you. Tell them this is Nigeria and if we say our boys are U-17, they are U-17. If FIFA does not agree, they can go away with their competition. As a matter of fact, we are no longer interested in hosting the competition. Tell FIFA to take the competition to another country."

"Don't you think it is now too late to do so? The competition has commenced sir."

"That is very good. In that case, FIFA must leave us alone to host in our own way - the Naija way. A guest has no right to dictate to the host. Let that be the headline of your story and put it on the front page."

"Okay sir, we will see what we can do about that. Still on the golden boys, the coach said his boys were hungry for..."

"Yes, you see, they must have been very hungry. Thank God the coach quickly spoke up. But you see, their daily feeding allowances have been increased and you will see how robust hey will be before the end of the competition. Are you satisfied?"

"You seem to have got me wrong sir. The coach was not referring to food, he said his boys were hungry for goals - they could not wait to score goals."

"Oh, I see, but they have done that, have they not? Coming from behind to level up with the German machine boys was no mean feat you know. How many football teams can do that these days? Only my golden boys!"

"Very well Sir. Let us look at the competition as a whole sir. What are your comments on the area of planning, preparations and execution of the competition so far?"

"I do not answer such hypothetical questions. You must be specific my friend!"

"Okay Sir, let us discuss this planning aspect for instance. Are you satisfied with that aspect?

"What do you mean by that?"

"Are you satisfied sir?"

"Am I satisfied?"

"Yes Sir."

"What has my satisfaction got to do with the competition?"

"Well, some FIFA officials are not happy with ..."

"Forget about that my friend. Do you hear anyone of them complaining again? You see most of you media boys are so ignorant and poor, you do not know what is going on. And instead of coming to people like us, you go about feeding the good people of this great country - I mean the happiest people in the world - with wrong information. You see, if I call you an "ignoramus" now you will feel insulted and use it as a story. Now listen very well. A very special hospitality package - the very best in the world has been put in place for all our guests. You mention it and it is there - 10 star hotel accommodations, luxury cars, special delicacies served by the most beautiful girls on this continent. We have also decided to spoil them with the kind of daily allowance they have never received before in their lives."

"These officials do not look hungry Sir. We see them as very credible people."

"What does a small thing like you know about credibility? And is hunger written on the face of anyone? Credibility indeed! As if there is no corruption - very scandalous ones - where they came from?"

"Ah yes, talk about corruption, we hear that a Nigerian contractor got a contract worth 400 million naira to supply brooms, water and biscuits. Another smart guy got a nine million dollar contract to supply security equipment yet to arrive for the competition and..."

"What are you trying to say? Go straight to the point."

"You mentioned corruption earlier on sir and so I am just wondering if..."

"Wonder! Mr. Wonder! Continue to wonder, you hear? You will wonder and wonder until eventually you start wandering to oblivion. Can you imagine this nonsense? Someone got a mere 400 million naira contract and you think that is big money? Nine million dollar and you think that is a big deal in a country where people who matter talk in billions and trillions. See what poverty has done to people like you. Mr. Journalist! The way I am looking at you right now, if I stuff one million dollars into this your big mouth, you will end up at the psychiatric hospital."

"Thank you sir, but permit me to say that I belong to a profession with..."

"A profession for poor busy bodies. You better look for a better job."

"One last question Sir."

"No more! I have very important things to do. Listen, if you people are not satisfied with the way we are conducting this competition, you can all go to the third mainland bridge and take a dive. This is our own time to chop and chop we will. Period."