Uncle T will now take your questions (Nigeria's first Agony Uncle!)

Dear Uncle T,
I am struggling with feelings of resentment. This morning at breakfast my 5-year-old son asked his daddy "Daddy where were you when your mates were taking loans?" Which were my thoughts exactly!!!!!!!!!

As usual my husband laughed dismissively (everything is a joke to him) and tried to explain to the boy that all those who took loans are now paying heavily for it. But only last week I overheard him lamenting to a friend on the phone that his biggest regret in life was not partaking of the loan bonanza "while stocks lasted".

How do I make him admit to my son and me that he was both wrong and foolish?

Resentful Rita

Dear Resentful Rita,

I don't blame you. If I were you I'd be resentful as well. God knows. What you should do is this: Let your son handle the matter. Every day, teach him a proverb that deals with "stubbornness" and let him unleash it on Daddy, a new one every morning. No one can resist the wisdom of a child.

Your husband will break down under the pressure and post a written confession on the refridgerator. Watch that space!

Uncle T

***

Dear Uncle T,
Ever since I've started following the coverage of the banking crisis on 234next.com I have been gripped by fear. Two years ago I took a loan of N200,000 to arrange my wedding. Unfortunately things came up afterwards (like my wife giving birth to triplets) and I have been unable to repay the loan.

My questions are thus:

1. Will CBN consider this loan a bad debt? Am I in danger of being paraded by Madam Waziri? Am I being irrational? (My friends have said I am)

2. If YES to the above, what can I do?

PS. In case you'd like to know, I did not drop any collateral for the loan. It was a youth corper who attended to me that day. He said he was the one assigned to issuing loans that day; all his bosses had gone to London to commission a new branch of their bank.

Worried Wale

Dear Worried Wale,

There are two possible scenarios:

Scenario 1:
Aunty Farida is dealing with billionaires at the moment. She has already promised that she will move to the millionaires soon. If she doesn't get tired, or distracted by yet another band of thieving politicians, she will move to the thousanaires next.

If that happens, you're in freshly cooked peppersoup. The anger that the Nigerian Law reserves for Small Men is a geometric progression on the anger reserved for Big Men. Big Men, when arrested, will be allowed to sleep in a DPO's air-conditioned office, and offered Mr. Biggs food.

And they will be taken to court in Peugeot 406. Small Men on the other hand, will be chained to one another and conveyed to court in Black Marias. The Rule for Small Men is this: Go Directly to Jail. Do Not Pass by your Lawyer's Office. Do Not Even Think of Getting a Court Injunction.

Scenario 2:
The EFCC will offer an Amnesty Package to all "fiscal militants" owing our banks money. The Amnesty will entail something like this: All fiscal militants will be expected to surrender their arms and ammunition (in this case the Sweet Mouths / Signatures / "Business Proposals") with which they obtained the loans.

They will all be carried in buses to Aso Rock to shake repentant hands with the President's, and their faces will be beamed to the world at 9pm on the NTA.

To avoid the fate in Scenario 1, you need to do one of two things: Either you liquidate your loan as soon as possible, or you increase your indebtedness from a measly 200,000 (Poor Man's Loan aka Wahala Loan) to 200,000,000 (Big Man's Loan aka No Wahala Loan).

IN NIGERIA IT IS BETTER TO OWE 1,000,000 THAN TO OWE 1,000. YOU WILL BE TREATED MORE RESPECTFULLY. Woe unto the Man Whose Debt is Negligible. To increase your debt portfolio as recommended, get your loan document (if you have any) and add three zeroes to the original sum.

Before I end, let me leave you with this prayer; the Defaulter's Prayer.

CAVEAT: The last time I left a modified Christian Prayer on a website, I was issued countless one-way tickets to Hades by militants fighting on behalf of God Almighty and Jesus Christ. They will soon be here to issue my ticket, and perhaps yours. Let not that dissuade you from praying this prayer constantly:

THE DEFAULTER'S PRAYER

Our Farida
Who Art in the Banking Vaults
Gallowed be thine enemies
(May) thine Freedom come (upon us)

Thine will be done on the ex-Governors
As it is being done on the Bank Chiefs
Give us this day our daily bail
And forgive us our non-performing loans
As we forgive those who non-performing loans are bigger than our

Lead us not into liquidation
And deliver us from the hateful comments of online commentators (esp. on 234next.com)
For thine is the knife, the yam and the appetite,
Forever and ever, Amen.

Uncle T

***

Dear Uncle T,

I applied for a 400 million naira loan last year to expand my "oil and gas" business. The oil I was referring to was groundnut oil, and the gas was cooking gas ("cylinder"), but I think the bank automatically assumed it was crude oil and liquefied natural gas.

I therefore got the loan, no questions asked. Do you think I was being dishonest by not giving full information to the bank?

Remorseful Rahman

Dear RR,

Unfortunately, this column only answers questions sent by fully-certified human beings. If what you're telling me is true - that you got that much money THAT easily - you must be a creature with the tongue of an Emeritus Wizard. I dey fear you my broda!!!

PS. If symptoms of remorse persist after one week please consult a qualified shaman.

Terrified (Uncle) T