Nigerian Psycho

‘African Psycho' is the title of a book by the Congolese novelist, Alain Mabanckou. I haven't read it, but that will not stop me from borrowing - and slightly modifying - its title. (Why should not having read a book disqualify me - or anyone else for that matter - from borrowing from it?)

At this point I have to turn to the dictionary, to define certain key concepts that you will encounter below. The Macmillan English Dictionary for Advanced Learners.

Psychopath - someone who has a serious mental illness that makes them behave in a very violent way towards people

Psychosis - a serious mental illness that affects your ability to know what is real and changes your personality and behaviour

Here's my theory, straight up, no embellishments - there are damn too many Psychos in the places that matter the most in this country - Government Houses, Corporate Boardrooms, Courtrooms, Police Stations, Legislative Chambers, Newsrooms, etc.

That is my own theory on why Nigeria is the state it is today, a modest upgrade of Chinua Achebe's classic theory of the Nigerian Situation.

In Lagos and in Port Harcourt, one of the punishments meted out to traffic offenders (drivers) is compulsory psychiatric examination. The idea is to shine a light into the dark tunnel(s) that you call your head, in a bid to find out: "why did you decide to drive south on a one-way street heading North".

A case of misplaced priorities, if you ask me. It is obvious to all that Nigerian roads (Lagos, at least) together constitute the world's largest ‘open-source' asylum; borderless as the internet. No need to get Freud's signature to attest to this. We should be deploying our scarce psychological-analysis resources, not on the roads, but in the winding Corridors of Power!

Historically the politicos have always been the whipping boys amidst the Power Elite - we anoint them with yabis as though they ordered it as takeout and paid for it. But in this obsession with the grave failings and incompetence of the political class, we often allow other sections of the ‘elite' - the ‘Moguls', the ‘Corporate Titans', the ‘Socialites' - to get away with crimes a dozen times worse.

So today, what we're going to do is this: we will give the party chieftains a break, and turn to the equally guilty Rest.

Every now and then I hear of yet another business-owning "Lagos Big Boy / Girl" who takes special delight in dishing out his/her staff's monthly peanuts weeks late. In some cases said Big Boy or Girl doesn't even ‘remember' to dish said peanuts out, sometimes for months at a go. I heard there is one Lagos Big Boy / Girl who doesn't even issue his/her staff with employment letters / contracts, which consequently allows him/her to become quite ‘creative' with regards to firing and compensation.
Then you open the lifestyle glossies, or the weekend fashion papers, and who do you see jumping up at you from the pages - all those yeye Big Boys / Girls, impenetrable masses of swagger bolted to red carpets, oozing ‘Class' and ‘Style' and Magnificent Effizy.

If you know the number of Lagos Big Boys and Girls strutting about in bling taken on ‘mortgage' they have no plans to repay, you will quit your job and become a Philosopher.

And what do you say of those South-of-the-Sahara Madoffs who take Other People's Money (how can you call it a loan when there was never any intention of repaying in the first place) from banks on whose boards they sit, and finance lavish lifestyles from the South South to South Africa to the South of France - and end up in glossy magazines as "amiable" "Moguls" and "Chieftains" and "Boardroom Titans"?

The day all Nigerians realise that the best way to rob a bank in Nigeria is to own one, we will abolish poverty in this land. Honestly, I pity all those young men and women who have to wear masks and carry machine guns and engage in long, tortuous strategising simply because they want to raid a bank's vault and cart away a few million naira - risking their lives in the face of superior firepower from the Nigeria Police Force. No kidding, I pity them. What they haven't realised is that they'll make far more money - and absolutely risk-free too - getting banking licenses instead of bullets and babalawo protection.

Look at the above dictionary definitions again. The key words in the definition of a ‘psycho' are "[behaviour] in a very violent way towards people" and an "[affected] ability to know what is real" resulting in "changes [in] personality and behaviour."

Now take a look at many of the people behind whom we stand in these long, rowdy sets of queues collectively called Nigeria. Many are people who take sadistic delight in wreaking violence. (I have to go back to the Political Class at this point). You just wait and see - they are not done with the Universities, neither have they perfected their plans for the healthcare system. When they are done those of us who cannot afford to fly abroad to seek relief for toothache will pull out our teeth ourselves. D.I.Y.

These are people do not see anything wrong in telling us about an approaching flood of electricity (one quadrillion megawatts by next Wednesday) even as darkness tightens its hold on our daily lives. Even as they order back-ups for their back-up generating sets, and sign invoices for ‘spare' spare parts for their inverters.

Ground zero today has become a symbol of a great damage to America - physically and psychologically. Interestingly Nigeria's problem also involves a Ground Zero experience.

An aerial view of the psyches of far too many of the people making the most important decisions - in all fields of national life - will reveal this: a sprawling Ground Zero where a Sense of Shame used to be. No, I take that back. That ‘sprawling Ground Zero' will actually make the original (American) ‘Ground Zero' look like Cocoa House.

Welcome to the mind of the Nigerian Psycho. Long may s/he reign!