Probing the G20 summit

A few weeks ago our beloved President mused aloud on Nigeria's non-invitation to the April 2 G20 Summit in England. In the absence of Nigeria's delegation, fellow blackman and America's reigning Monarch Barack Obama stole the show at the gathering.

Reports have it that King Barry crossed the Atlantic with, according to the UK Guardian "an entourage of 500 staff, an armour-plated limousine and a fleet of decoy helicopters."

That I think is what pained President Yar'Adua the most. That Nigeria lost an opportunity to prove to the world its new image as a ‘Great Nation'. As the gi-ant of Africa (home to the largest political party in Africa, the largest opposition party in Nigeria, the largest television network in Africa, the largest Independent Invisible Power Project in Africa etc), it is de rigueur for Nigeria to attempt to prove its greatness by the size of its delegation to international economic and sporting events.

We are also all privy to the predilection of entire state Houses of Assemblies for travelling to Europe and America to acquaint themselves with the proper workings of legislative systems in advanced democracies.

[This quest for knowledge, at its zenith in the Obasanjo years, sadly seems to have lost its allure, as our lawmakers now prefer to stay home and learn how to award contracts under the National Legislative self-Poverty Abolishment Programme (NALPAP), otherwise known as Constituency Allowance Project (CAP)].

If I remember well, this overseas course's largesse was extended to wives of Honourable Members in one or two states, to afford them the opportunity of learning how to comport themselves as lawmakers' wives.

If Nigeria had gone to the G20, you can be sure that President Yar'Adua's advance entourage would have made Obama's 500-man delegation look like a (single) basketball team stranded on a soccer pitch.

Before I lose you to my digression, recall that President Yar'Adua still needs (and very urgently too) an answer to his question: Why was Nigeria not invited to the G20 summit?

There are two ways of finding an answer:
Option 1:
This will follow the tried-and-tested Yar'Aduan method of tackling pressing national issues: The Presidential Panel.

Today's Guardian headline reads: "Govt to raise panel over Halliburton scam". On Page 40 of the Punch, there is a 4-page "Approved List of Members of the National Technical Working Groups (NTWGs) of the Vision 20:2020" - twenty-eight (28) groups, each with between 19 and 27 members. (I wonder how many of them were members of the Vision 2010 Committee, and how many will make it into the inevitable Vision 2050 Committee).

Add to those panels the Presidential Steering Committee on Global Economic Crisis (PSCGEC), the "Muhammed Uwais' Panel on electoral reforms" and the "Michael ‘Jackson' Aondoakaa Probe Panel on the Activities of Nasir El Rufai", and you get a better picture of the ‘7-Probe Panels' Agenda of the Yar'Adua Administration.

In line with that agenda, a presidential probe panel will be set up to investigate the immediate and remote causes of Nigeria's non-invitation to the G20 Summit.

Members will be drawn from all the 36 states of the Federation. There will be representatives of market women, Nigerian Diplomats-in-Diaspora (don't worry, that is not tautology.

Do you have any idea how many diplomats-at-large are inching steadily towards retirement from the comfort of the corridors of the Foreign Affairs Ministry in Abuja?), Association of Retired Ambassadors, Law Enforcement agencies, Civil Society Organisations.

The 200-member Committee, after a colourful inauguration at Aso Rock, will immediately embark on a nationwide tour to gather memoranda from stakeholders and members of the public.

After the home-based sittings, the committee will proceed to the London (Europe), Beijing (Asia), New York City (North America), Rio de Janeiro (South America), Sydney (Australia) to give Nigerians in diaspora the chance to be a part of the report-making process, as well as use the opportunity to table Nigeria's grievances before the governments of the 20 countries that make up the G20.

Option 2:
Avoid the expensive probe panel option. Opt instead for the uncomplicated means used by the Kings & Emperors I used to read about in the folktales that were a staple when I was growing up:

"Once upon a time in a far-away land there was a Kingdom ruled by a very wise and kindhearted king, who had four beautiful daughters. One day, he had a dream that puzzled him greatly.

He therefore sent out a royal proclamation that anyone who would be able to interpret the dream would be rewarded with half of the kingdom, and would be given a Princess' hand in marriage."

I prefer Option 2. I will finally get my chance to quit writing (gossiping?) about other people. As the winner of the dream-interpretation contest, and by implication the latest Presidential in-law, and owner of the riches of half of ‘the largest democracy in Africa', I will instead spend my time reading what other people are writing (in NEXT) about me. And living ‘happily ever after!'