You're invited to my party

I am the same age as Prince William of the House of Windsor, the man who will one day be King William V, Ruler of the "British Empire" (pardon the slight oxymoron).

Actually, I am slightly older than the Future King - by about three months - but we must have learnt to walk and talk and use the potty at about the same time.

But that's where the similarity ends.

I am not paparazzi fodder.
I do not live in a Castle. My ancestors did not.
I am unable to trace my ancestry beyond my paternal great-grandfather.
The only ‘crowns' I own, I got them from Coca Cola bottles.
I am a taxpayer, not a taxspender.
My parties will not make it into the BBC's News.

Speaking of which, the BBC News website has got some royal party gist for us. Under the headline "Partying prince turns Windsor wild", it tells of Prince William's 21st birthday ceremony (in 2003) at Windsor Castle.

It was no ordinary get together. It was - wait for it - "African-themed".

We are told that "as the party started, outfits spotted arriving at the castle included a furry lion, Tarzan and a banana. The castle's ancient rooms were transformed into scenes from the African bush, which include a life-sized elephant made out of papier mache... other outfits seen on arriving guests included a lion suit topped with a gold crown, a full foreign legion uniform, a Biggles-esque pilot, a banana and a top-hatted witch-doctor. "

The party was said to have been inspired "by the prince's time in Africa during his gap year before university."

A quick digression:
The Africa Quiz
Which of the words below is closest in meaning to "Africa"?
a. Lion.
b. Tarzan.
c. Banana.
d. Bush.
e. Witch-doctor.
f. All of the above.

A few years ago Kenyan writer Binyavanga Wainaina published an article in Granta, titled: ‘How to write about Africa', in which he famously advised: "African characters should be colorful, exotic, larger than life - but empty inside, with no dialogue, no conflicts or resolutions in their stories, no depth or quirks to confuse the cause." The Royal Party Planners must have been reading a "How to Party about Africa" version of that essay (writer indeterminate).

As soon as I read about the Royal 21st Birthday, an idea occurred to me. My own themed party.

A "Euro-American" themed party. In celebration of the fiscal geniuses of Corporate America and Corporate Europe.

For Prince Will's party, the rooms of Windsor Castle were "transformed into scenes from the African bush, which include a life-sized elephant made out of papier mache."

For my party, we will transform a large stretch of the Sahara desert into scenes from the 21st century Euro-American banking wilderness. But we will install a lake - appropriately named the "Bay of Bright Bailout" - in the grand barrenness. All guests will be compelled to take a dip.

I will arrive dressed as an ex-Wall Street mogul.

African hunters have their poisoned (bloodstained) spears; ex-Wall Streeters have their taped cardboard boxes (holding the contents of their now-empty offices - gold-plated nameplate, silver pen-holder, bronze ashtray, family photo taken on a Saudi Prince's yacht, switched-off blackberry, and two-thousand dollar pearl-studded cashmere tie).

Everyone dressed as an ex-Wall Streeter will get a complimentary handcuff on arrival at my party.

A special band - ‘Melodious Meltdowners' - will play at the ceremony. The high point of the day will be their performance of my new song - "Do They Know It's a post-Hedge Fund World?"

We will play my newly invented (still unnamed) board game. It is patterned after Monopoly. Multiple players, dice movements, paper money. But instead of renting and buying and selling land, houses and hotels, we will buy, sell, merge, downsize and nationalize Banks, Ponzi Schemes, "Mad (Money) Off" bargains and other More Complex Financial Instruments (MCFI).

Instead of "Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200", the card will read: "Do Not Return to this Boardroom. And Please Do Not Collect Any Bonuses". And instead of going to jail, all we'll do is send you on vacation - without your blackberry, and your credit cards. Compared to pre-crunch vacations, this'll be like camping at a Maximum Security Facility.

Let's move to the Carte du jour? There'll be water made from wine (by dilution, how else!). And then there'll be candy.

I got an email from a friend a few days ago - "Credit Crunch Jokes". One of them was this line, attributed to Jay Leno: "Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar."

At my party, rest assured there will be plenty of Credit Crunch® to munch on. A special honour for my good friend, George Walker Bush, who'll be on the High Table.

But you know what that means: At my party, you will have to leave your shoes outside!