Song of a goat

The Vanguard newspaper of Friday, January 23, 2009 put it this way: "Police parade goat as robbery suspect". The BBC, on its website said: "Nigeria police hold ‘robber' goat".

The story is quite simple. Eyewitness accounts have it that members of a local security group (popularly known as vigilante), were in pursuit of two men who had been trying to steal a Mazda 323. According to The Vanguard (quoting the Police Public Relations Officer, Mr. Tunde Mohammed): "one of [the men] escaped, the other was about to be apprehended when he turned his back on the wall and turned to this goat. [The vigilante] quickly grabbed the goat and here it is."

Reactions have been fast and furious: How can the Nigeria Police Force spout such balderdash in the 21st century?

But that, in my humble opinion, is the wrong question.

The question we should be asking is this: which came first - the man or the goat? In other words, do we have a man who turned into a goat for the purpose of evading arrest (a man disguising as a goat), or a goat who turned into a man for the purpose of stealing a car (a goat disguising as a man)?

The implications of both scenarios are quite different, mind you.

If it's a man who turned into a goat in order to evade arrest, well, I think that's his problem. Imagine trying to cram the contents of a human mind and personality into the physical / biological ‘outline' of a goat. A goat! What is it if not a radical form of ‘downsizing' (mental, physical, emotional)? And the dangers are quite obvious. What if someone decided to ‘isi-ewu' you before you transformed back into a human?

Our main concern therefore should be with scenario 2, which in my opinion is the more plausible one: a goat transforming into a man for the purposes of stealing a car (and with the intention of becoming a goat again afterwards).

Nigerian goats must be at the bottom of the Global Animal Treatment Index (GATI). They always get the short end of the stick. Even cows fare better. At least cows are fed and fattened and - most importantly - feared. Goats on the other hand are always treated as vagabonds. There is something about a Nigerian goat that invites assault, physical and verbal. (See the phrase "stubborn as a goat.").

Potbellied children - stick-in-hand - tormenting goats (which are often taller than them) are a common sight on the potholed, pond-ridden alleys (aka roads) of Nigerian cities. Goats are good for nothing save pots of steaming super-peppery soup. Vilified in life, exploited in death.

With a destiny like this, common sense dictates that it would only be a matter of time before a grand rebellion. Which explains why a goat would find itself wholeheartedly embracing armed robbery. Anything to escape the quiet desperation - or desperate quietness - of goat life and get a taste of human life on the fast lane.

I imagine what must have been going through the goat's mind as it attempted to (in its human disguise) make its way into the Mazda. Finally, a chance to sit in the driver's seat of a car. Not in the boot. Nigerian goats are often transported in car boots, or in the black Maria-like compartments of pick-up vans or the wooden ‘pens' of open-roofed trucks. Every now and then you will even see a goat astride an okada - without the comfort of a helmet!

There is certainly fire on the mountain. There are no animal rights activists in the country. No Societies for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The animals have therefore decided to take laws into their own hands. The chickens - and goats - have come home to roost. And steal and plunder and avenge. Payback time.

The Cats will strike soon. Cats are arguably the most hated animals in Nigeria today. They are witches and demons and principalities; bead-eyed monsters that lurk in the shadows of human dwellings; devious, possessed.

When our Cats decide to strike back, they will not steal cars.

They will snatch ballot boxes instead. They will steal confidential Presidential memos and leak them to the world. They are not only smarter (by far) than goats and cows, they are impossible to catch. They will embarrass the police. If they can't be caught, how will they be paraded as criminals?

And with their nine lives, how will they be overwhelmed by the famed "superior firepower" of the NPF?

Updates:

1. Some news sources refer to the "accused" as a ‘Sheep'. Did it undergo a second transformation?

2. The ‘Mystery Goat/Sheep' has now been auctioned by the Police for N300. In Police Accounting Terms:

Revenue from 1 Goat = N300
N20 = 1 Mini-bus
N300 = 15 mini-buses
Therefore, 1 Goat = 15 mini-buses