Seven things you will find in PDP Lagos

If the naked dance of shame by the former governor of Lagos State, Bola Tinubu, ends in the impeachment of his political protégé, Babatunde Fashola, then a division of forces in the ruling party, Action Congress (AC), is eminent.

The biggest winners in this drama may not be the greedy AC power brokers who have the ears of the godfather, or the traders who have lost their unwholesome kiosks on the Oshodi tracks, but the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), who have been biting their fingers, while they paced the floor, wondering how they could “capture” the centre of excellence.

Believe me, if they robbed and plundered the puny state of Ekiti, they are prepared to do a hundred times worse to get Lagos, the land of milk, honey and gala.

Sitting in front of my computer, with my head wrapped in my hands, I see a million possibilities for Lagos under the PDP. Allow me to share just seven with you.

1Name Change: Imagine Vincent Ogbolafor Stadium, Ojo Maduekwe Square, Dimeji Bankole Avenue. Get the picture?

Once upon a time, Aliko Dangote with the help of powerful friends in government, of course, was ready to acquire all that he could see. Who will bet that James Ibori won’t buy the Third Mainland Bridge? Lagosians, start keeping your loose change for tolls!

2BRT Lanes: Some stubborn bus drivers and private car owners still insist on using the BRT lanes. Under the PDP, those big red and blue buses you all love to ride will be the first to go. They will find a flimsy excuse why,

“the scheme is not sustainable,” (a buzzword for, “there is not much money there for us, jare.”) Then what happens to the lanes? They will become the property of the state, and that means the politicians. Their convoys will leave us all in dust, as we struggle to drive home on bad roads. You can be sure that those BRT lanes will be smoother than a baby’s bottom. God help the Rasaki that dares to use it, even at night. Mobile Police officers will turn him into suya.

3Garbage: At the moment we are all enjoying the “Fasholaisation” of Lagos, with what used to be garbage dumps now turned into lovely gardens, right? Well, those too will disappear. Go to Abuja and see what the “Federal Capital Territory” has become since ‘‘ the PDP men he gave a hard time while he was the minister, chased Nasir El Rufai to America. Garbage heaps are competing with Zuma Rock in height. Don’t expect better treatment when Fashola leaves and PDP takes over.

Whatever they touch dies.

4Civil Authority: Agberos (touts) will rule and LASTMA (Lagos State Transport Management Agency) will carry guns. When these touts come to collect “shandi” (N20) from the bus drivers, we find it convenient to simply ignore them. If a LASTMA official stops you these days, you can argue your case. What happens if the Agberos become council chairs and LASTMA get outfitted with AK47s instead? They will most probably give a shoot on sight order for traffic offenders. At least, the market for bullet-proof windshields will get a boost.

5Sirens : By the time all the people in the PDP Board of Trustees (), Elders Committee and everyone else in this considerable colony of thieves start their engines and,

by default, sirens, half of us will lose the gift of hearing. We will all thank the gods for the noise in Oshodi. That one has a human touch at least.

6Senators and skirts : Knowing the potential for enjoyment in Lagos, most senators will gladly spend more time here than in Abuja. What’s to stop them?

Money? They get bag-fulls of the stuff monthly.

The law? Even the Attorney General said the president could rule from the moon.

The Lebanese? They will be too busy counting their loot from entertaining the big fish (frogs to me) from the Federal Capital Territory.

Lagos girls? Come on! Nothing will stop them. The victims will be poor boys like me, who have to borrow a friend’s car just to have a night out. One senator may just be in the mood to oppress while at The Insomnia and declare: “Anybody whose car is not worth N10 million, should not enter this place. It is for the true big boys.” My face is my asset, thank you very much. I will quietly leave in my smoky Honda Corolla before a bouncer kicks my teeth down my throat, and collects N5, 000 for a job well done.

7Bode George: It might be too late to overturn the judgement on the former PDP chair for the South West, but that doesn’t mean he won’t be comfortable. Kirikiri will be the new Kuramo Beach, with costly cars competing for parking space. The man’s release will be on constant replay on TV stations with a year to spare. They might even move their political headquarters there so he doesn’t miss a thing. Remember, as a strong PDP man, Iyiola Omisore won the senatorial seat for the Osun East constituency in the April 2003 elections while cooling his heels in Agodi Prison, Ibadan.