NEXT TURN: How to catch a monkey

For those who cherish the monkey as a pet, and not those who relish it as ‘bush meat', catching a monkey alive and able-bodied is a taxing exercise.

To catch the monkey, they say, you need a cage with a small conical opening by the side, built into the cage, and through which the animal can insert its hand when it wants to take the bait. And the bait of course is a ripe banana, which is placed on a platform at the end of the conical opening.

Lured by the banana the monkey through some intelligent manoeuvre slides its hand into the cone and grabs the banana. But upon clutching the object of its desire, it loses all iota of intelligence. It does not leave the fruit and it cannot bring out its hand since the opening is narrower at that end. Thus, stuck between two desires competing for its interest, like the ass of Buridan, the hunter emerges and the monkey becomes his captive.

Wooing foreign investors for industrialisation and economic rehabilitation of this nation is like catching a monkey. Like monkey business,

it requires tact, patience, and painstaking groundwork that demonstrate adequate foreknowledge of one's object of investigation. It demands mental alertness and alacrity, an unrivalled power of persuasion as well as a passion to keep the relationship.

So, it was disheartening to read the comments of our Minister of Commerce and Industry, Mr. Achike Udenwa, last Thursday, when he received an Iranian trade delegation that paid him a courtesy call. There in the pages of newspapers he made utterances that did not reflect any speck of urgency or passion indicative of our country's dire need for foreign investors.

Witness this: "We have so much in this country that I may not be able to tell you on the spot but I will advise that you go round for yourselves to know what you will want to invest in".

A minister says he "may not be able to tell you on the spot"! Despite the absence of electricity, our intolerable roads, and inclement investment environment, a trade delegation expresses the desire to invest in your country, and all the minister says is that he could not tell on the spot.

Why then is he occupying the seat? What is he paid for?

The scenario created in my mind by this misguided utterance is one wherein the lordly occupant of the ministerial seat, carries on with an aloofness that can only be arrogantly celebrated by a moribund and monotonous bureaucracy. Was the minister not expecting the trade delegation? Couldn't his aides have done some quick research on Iran to know its economic competences,

and ascertain which of their investment interests will be beneficial to Nigeria?

But as an afterthought, or so it seemed, the minister came to: "Lots of business opportunities abound in the country even in the power sector because we also have alternative power sources that could be explored ... We are also doing a lot in the agricultural and manufacturing sectors of our economy as well as the development of local raw materials that could benefit foreign investors," he said.

When people decry our poor state of industrial development, we often think of multiple taxation by government agencies, epileptic power supply, political bottlenecks and such other factors that impede economic growth.

We get the impression, from the rebranding mantra of Mrs.

Akunyili, that ministers work hard, have slaved for the nation, and yet investors are nowhere to be found. From gaffs such as Udenwa's it is becoming clear that ministers need tutorials on economic diplomacy and management of their brands. It is such aloofness and nonchalance that robs us of valuable investment opportunities.

However, before being berated for making Udenwa a scapegoat or using a sledgehammer to kill a mosquito, I think the point here is that clay-footed administrators need to be prodded from their aloofness; they should be rattled from their comforting nonchalant zones. Just as the working administrator is not the one who inaugurates grand plazas and celebrates quotidian routines as projects, likewise the slothful one is not he who is disgraced by great challenges.

The small things of life tell the story of the bigger picture.

A minister's casual slip over an issue of great importance at a public function sums up the workings of his establishment.

To be in the wooing business he must learn how to catch a monkey.