SATIRICALLY YOURS: The sticky story of Lagos Cars

As anyone who has ever gotten trapped in the traffic of Lagos will tell you, there is little else to be done but sit still and wait it out. What you do during this period is your problem. Some people listen to the radio. Some people log unto face book to update their status—Tayo Ojo is still stuck in a 15km long traffic jam - and others like me simply read the car stickers around.

Stickers tell a story. It’s almost too easy to identify people by the story their stickers tell. Driving in the traffic of Lagos, I often spend my long hours in Hold-ups wondering what each sticker means.

For instance, when I am parked behind a trailer that has the words “No condition is permanent”, I begin to wonder what the owner of the trailer might mean. Does he mean, that he fully expects to own a Hummer some day or is he trying to suggest that by virtue of the fact that we are going uphill, there is the very likely possibility that he might roll back on me. I don’t speak until I am safely away.

Then there is the case of the church stickers. Obviously, with so many confusing numbers to choose from it’s a lot easier to give each year a specific name than just call it 2009. Last year, 2008 for some church was “The year of confidence”. Most Okada riders seemed to have this stuck on their devil horses. It is hard to understand the process behind the naming of the years. For instance, I never did understand why 2007 was “The year of laughter” for some people. Laughing was good, but would I genuinely want to spend an entire year laughing? Isn’t that how the people of Atlantis supposedly died? Wasn’t too much laughter supposed to be bad for you? More importantly, when children were born during the year, was their birthday listed as 7th of July, 2007 or 7th of July, The year of laughter. It is certainly a serious point to ponder.

Just as serious are the stickers that warn that “Angels are onboard”. I am left to wonder if the 34-year-old woman without earrings driving the car is really an angel, or if she knocked down an angel who was standing in the middle of the Third Mainland Bridge and is now rushing him to the hospital for treatment. Given the medical quality of Lagos hospitals, I fear the angel might lose his/her wings.

Then there are the professional stickers. The stickers that announce the status of the driver just so you know. For example very few people want to get involved with a car sticker that has the Nigerian Bar Association sign on it. By people I mean the police. Doctors are also blessed with really cool stickers. A doctor can easily race down the opposite lane , swerve between two cars being driven by a teenager and a 62-year-old man and then overtake a police convoy because he is announced to be on a “medical emergency”—also known as It’s my wife’s birthday and I once again forgot to buy her a present.

Then there are the “Get out of Jail” free stickers. A sticker with the letters “ARMY” immediately tells you two things. You don’t want to mess with the driver of the car. And you really don’t want to mess with the driver of the car. Take your pick.

Sadly, not every professional sticker gets the same treatment. Take my sorry case for instance. Midway through my traffic ordeal I was pulled over by the boys of LASTMA because I had wrongly gone down the wrong side of the road to jump a few cars. The LASTMA man stood glaring at me as I slowly wound down. His hair looked uncombed so I decided against announcing how lovely he looked. Instead I said: “I am in a hurry. Work related. It’s an emergency.”

I pointed to my press sticker: “I am a journalist.” His face stayed still for a second as he pondered my explanation and then broke into a sneer.

He pointed to his car with the bold stickers.

“I am a LASTMA official. Show me your papers!” Paper beats rock always you see.