We are in for it. Already they tell us that we cannot grow old - or rather, that 50 (make that 47) is the new old. And now, even the few amongst us who manage to defy the statistics, are further endangered.
The upsurge in the spate of kidnappings, especially of elderly persons, and especially in the eastern part of the nation ,now means that it is a crime to be old in a country that in the first place makes it as hard as possible to grow old.
It is already a crime to be poor in Nigeria, should we be adding elderly to that list as well?
I have been thinking hard about this, and I have come to the conclusion that we need desperate solutions. Things cannot be allowed to continue unchallenged.
I am therefore seriously considering quitting journalism, and moving into big business. Pray, what success have our newspapers achieved in the quest to make Nigeria a kidnap-free place? These kidnappers are obviously not reading our editorials and cover stories. They, like other Nigerian criminals, do not understand the language of ‘grammar'. Every election year in Nigeria, sales of bulletproof vehicles rise significantly. It's plain logic. Nigerians know that ‘prevention is better than cure'. Which, precisely, will be the tagline of my new business?
I will be going into the sales, supply, servicing, and maintenance of human tracking devices. Recall the days when, to secure your car, you needed padlocks and pedal locks and the rest? Today, what do you do - you get a tracker. It is the reason why car snatching is not as big as it was years ago - and it is probably why Hammani Tidjani, the last of a line of larger-than-life cross-border car-robbers (he was arrested during the Tafa Balogun era) never got a successor.
So, I want to pioneer a ‘P & M Tracking Solution', where P & M stand for Papa & Mama (think MTN C-Track, where C = car).
It will work very simply - moneyed Nigerians will get their parents implanted with tiny chips that track movement. In effect it would mean turning our senior citizens to cyborgs what with pacemakers, implanted hearing aids, and now tracking devices; and it would mean one more reason to keep them away from magnets - but that would be a small price to pay for security for them, and peace of mind for us.
If we don't do this you know what the alternative is? We will have to relocate all our elderly ones to Lagos, from the kidnapping-ravaged hinterlands. Now, is that a bad idea? Depends how you look at it.
It is Mr. Fashola, Governor of Lagos State, who I pity the most. You will recall that the hardworking governor has been busy over the last few months, deporting non-Lagosians in a bid to sanitise Lagos. Now all the hard work is about to be unravelled, as Lagosians import their parents in droves into the city.
Look, if you didn't understand that, let me tell you in plain English. This city is on its way to being overrun. And contrary to all expectations, it is not the Chinese who will overrun it. It is white-haired Nigerians. Imagine what that will mean: you walk into Swe Bar on a Thursday evening and everybody there will be dancing with a walking stick. And what will they be dancing to? Tunde Nightingale, Rex Lawson and Boney M. Then there's Facebook.
Back in the village, old Pa and Ma didn't have Internet access. In Lagos they will have. They will sit at home all day and discover twitter and Facebook and 234next.com. You know what that means. Facebook status updates that will read, simply: "is still breathing".
Beneath such an update will be: "74 Septuagenarians like this".
There are the good sides of course - the new Lagos will resemble the world's greatest cities, where you see elderly couples, hand in hand, taking long walks, getting lost (another reason why the tracking devices will come in handy). And smart business-persons will make shiploads of money, catering to the needs of the elderly: Boneless Chicken Specials in Barcelos, reruns of Village Headmaster and New Masquerade at Silverbird Cinemas, avant-garde casket exhibitions at Didi Museum, Blasts from the Past at Auto Lounge.
While you ponder on all that, there is a question you should urgently ask yourself, if you haven't already: "What is my Kidnap Coefficient (KC)?" Kidnap Coefficient is defined as the exclusive probability of becoming a kidnap victim, adjusting for time, chance and condition. It is an indication of your ‘valuability', calculated by a complex equation that takes into account several variables - ranging from your age, to your ‘newsworthiness,' to the number of affluent first-line relatives you have, to the Lowest Possible Amount (LPA) of money you are able to command as ransom, post-bargaining.
Let me leave you to get your head around that concept. I'm due for a meeting with my business partners in five minutes. See you on next year's Forbes List.
Reader Comments (27)
post a comment
* = Required information