Love begins in the lunch room

Shade and Patrick (not real names) got into the lunch room for a drink. Far from them stood Chinedu, Patrick’s friend, making some coffee. Patrick was making some tea for himself and Shade asked for a bag. He handed her the pack and she took one.

“Seems, like me, you don’t take coffee?” Patrick said, trying to start a conversation. “Oh yeah,” Shade replied. “I just can’t stand it. It wrecks my nerves.”

“Exactly,” Patrick replied “And before I know it, I begin to have some palpitations but the aroma is just….” “Unforgettable,” Shade completed the statement. They both started laughing, seeing how on their first meeting, they connected.

Shade was new, a trainee, and Patrick had been in the office for about three years. They soon began exchanging pleasantries, making tea for each other and taking lunch together. Patrick felt obliged to show her the ropes, “for team bonding sake”, he told himself.

Because they were in the same department, they constantly found themselves together. Then they began dating. However, during one of their quarterly appraisal meetings, Patrick got the long end of the stick and his supervisor noted in his appraisal form that he “seems distracted”.

For Shade, it was hard to watch as the boss kept shouting at him, over his “dwindling performance”. She kept her head down. After the meeting, Patrick asked for some time off the relationship and Shade was at a loss over what to do.

She felt guilty and from that day on, each time she dressed for the office, she did so with less enthusiasm than usual.

Managing a romantic relationship with a colleague in the same office could be a tricky one. However, more and more relationships are born in the work place because of the long hours spent there.

“Attraction is a good thing,” says Jerome Onipede, a matchmaker and relationship expert. “When someone is attracted to you, you feel good, you feel loved and wanted, and that is a good feeling. What matters is what you do with the attraction.”

A price to pay

As with every other decision in life, dating a colleague comes with some consequences. “Company policy is the first thing to consider,” says Mr. Onipede.

In some offices, policies prevent colleagues from getting married. It all has to do with the nature of the business being carried out. It is also for the safety of the couple. Assume you date and eventually get married to a colleague and a company lay-off affects the two of you, how do you survive?

Some other companies look at the sensitivity of the position. If it is an inter-departmental relationship, it may be accepted but within the same department, it may be frowned at.

Another thing you want to look at is how it affects your level of professionalism. Patrick’s performance level may have dropped due to some other reasons but the “distraction” was attributed to Shade. This is even more difficult when the relationship is between a superior and a subordinate.

For a man, being in a relationship with a lady working under you might make it difficult to pass queries – if need be – and there is the risk of raising eyebrows, as people may begin to see signs or partiality where none exists.

Also, can you keep your ego in check if she is your superior and naturally has to pass down orders?

Consider also how your feelings affect other people outside the office. If you find yourself attracted to a married person, ask if your feeling are worth the trouble the spouse – and kids if any – may go through, because of your action.

Also consider what your colleagues would think of you. Sometimes we say it doesn’t matter what people say but it does because we co-exist with them.

All the single ladies…

Don’t be carried away by the feeling; as for the butterflies in your stomach, they will fly away. Ask yourself if this feeling is for real and to know this, let it go through the acid test. Mr. Onipede calls office romance a “relationship of convenience”.

“Meaning that there is the possibility that the only reason they are together at that time is because it is convenient,” he says. “Outside the office, can this person make out this time for you? Will the person take you to a coffee shop, sit with you, pay for the coffee?

Assuming you drive to the office, will the person be ready to pay for a cab when you both go out? Now lunch is on the company’s bill, will he pick it when you both go out?”

In his many years of counselling, Mr. Onipede says, for men most times office relationships are a game. Some wait for new intakes and get hold of one. She naturally is glad that there is someone to rely on, until a new set comes in then she becomes someone in his past.

“Men and women have different psychological make-up,” he says. “For the man, it is most times a game. So, ladies, watch out.

Many ladies turn in their resignation when they can no longer stand the sight of him dating another girl in the office, because, while most men are thinkers, most women are feelers. So when she is hurting, he doesn’t even notice.” The big question is…

Is it worth the risk?

In his book, Waiting and Dating, best-selling author, Myles Munroe, notes that “there are countless people with whom we share similar values and beliefs, and we can be attracted to any one of these, given the right timing and circumstances”.

Therefore, the feeling you share with this person, you may share with someone else. Basically, love can be seen as a relationship born out of attraction but built on mutual respect, a sense of sacrifice and commitment.

Consider the fact that you can build this same feeling with someone else. She likes tea with ginger… there are countless number of people who like it that way. He wants to become a pilot and you have always been drawn to pilots?

Well, you may want to visit the airports more often. She loves children, yeah other women do. So, ask yourself, “Is there a chance that I will meet other people outside the office with whom I can connect?”

Remember, this thing started as a feeling and you nurtured it. Why not try seeing other people outside the office? Networking groups for professionals are helpful. Take dance classes or a course in another language.

Work as a volunteer in an NGO. You are sure to meet someone who would give you that wonderful feeling too.

But I’m still in love…

“Then be wise about it” says Mr. Onipede. “You may be surprised to see two colleagues holding hands and kissing far away in a zoo in Jos and you are like, ‘they never acted like this in the office’; that is wisdom.” You also have to be wise because the office is no place exclusively for angels or demons.

Therefore, when people choose to conspire, they may pick on you based on such things and you don’t want to be the loser for it.

If you are sure you both can make this work, then check out the company’s policies concerning such things. One party may consider changing jobs. If you have to remain in the same place, then remember, your job comes first. Keep your eyes on the prize.