A word of advice for the millions, if not billions of chronically bored people out there in the world. If you need an exciting hobby / pastime, I've got one for you. It's called "Who wants to take a shot at Nigeria?" It's fun, it's easy to play and it won't cost you a dime.
All you have to do is to take a swipe at that basket case called Nigeria. American scientists for one know that the best cure for scientists' block is to start experiments involving Nigeria: the results never waver - this is one country that will never fail to produce an implosion when fed into the "what-does-the-future-hold-o-meter."
My people say that when big problems trip a man, small ones will show up to harass him. Since poverty and corruption successfully turned this country into holiday territory, everyone else seems to have decided that Nigeria is the number 1 location for testing their ‘reputation-bombs.' Sony Corporation's recent Playstation 3 advert (it's all over the internet) involves a derogatory reference to "Nigerian millionaires" (if you think that term means anything complimentary you probably don't have an email address!).
Last year, Fortune Magazine writer Stanley Bing (writing on his blog), referring to those URGENT RESPONSE WANTED!!!!!! messages flying out of Nigerian computers said "Isn't there something that Google or AOL can do about them? How many people in Nigeria are sitting around hammering out these moronic communications on old Kaypros?"
And then there's District 9, the new South African movie that has apparently taken Nigeria (and Obasanjo - one of the characters is a paralyzed Nigerian crime king called ‘Obesandjo') to the cleaners. E tu South Africa? This really is the height of it, isn't it, when even the South Africans think Nigeria has become fair game for yabis. A commentator on Nairaland said, regarding District 9: "After watching this movie, I came out of it thinking we would be better if we just changed our country's name to something else. They really stuck the knife into us."
Just today, Britain's Conservative Party leader, David Cameron and the party's shadow foreign secretary, William Hague were caught on tape having a private discussion in which one of them appeared to compare the recent Afghan elections with Nigeria's 1979 elections. When I heard that, I thought to myself, that's interesting, they didn't even have the confidence to compare Afghan's elections with Nigeria's 2007 elections - nothing compares with that eh?
But you know what? No point getting worked up about this now-bestselling game. No point at all. The truth is that it is not in anybody's interests that Nigeria becomes a country where things work. Imagine how many manufacturing plants in China and Japan will file for bankruptcy the day PHCN begins to supply power, not darkness?
The day Nigeria begins to work the UN, WHO, DFID, UNFPA and USAID will lay off a good part of their workforce and seek a World Bank Bailout. By then of course the World Bank would have put itself up for acquisition by any willing buyer.
Diesel Kings will lose their crowns and palaces, pure water businesses will have to find new content for their polythene satchets. Many Pentecostal pastors and motivational speakers will have to dig up new reasons for us to listen to them ("anointing for American Visa" services will no longer fly, will they?), The American and British Embassies will be forced to start issuing ‘targets' to their Lagos and Abuja staff, to keep revenue levels from falling drastically.
The Economist (the weekly magazine) will have to close down its West African Bureau, or invent its own bad news. Even the US State Department and Pentagon and CIA will find more work on their hands. At the moment one imagines that they really do not have to do any research before issuing annual reports on Nigeria. All they do year in year out is alter the dates on their templates, and alter a few adjectives to reflect the worsening state of things. When Nigeria begins to work they will have to be more thorough with their research.
The people I pity most are Nigerian newspaper columnists and social commentators. When Nigeria begins to work, most of us will die of malignant silence. We will stare at blank laptop screens and writing pads and sigh to death.
Wait a minute, before you go. I just remembered God. When Nigeria begins to work, he'll finally take that long overdue vacation. And the devil, oh the devil. He'll probably suffer the most... just imagine the newspaper headlines on the day Nigeria begins to work "HELL'S BIGGEST COLONY SECEDES... DEVIL VOWS TO FIGHT ON..."
Reader Comments (39)
post a comment
* = Required information